replay.

How frustrating is it to replay an event over and over in your head? especially an event that has hurt you so much that you felt like you just wanted to die or trust someone never again? it has been 2 years. 2 freakin years. maybe... i was lying to myself for 2 years that i am okay.

but, the truth is. i am NOT okay.

replay, repeat, wounded. 2 years of putting bandages over my scar. i guess all the hard works have been a temporary treatment. how many times have i prayed... how many times have i repented... how many times have i turned away from you... you were still there to tell me that you love me for who i am and that you want a relationship with me.

Lord. i'm hurt. it's painful. i feel like i'm back on the ground trying to come out of this haze ONCE AGAIN. i know you tell me you love me.. that i'm a beloved child of you...

DOT DOT DOT. how interesting... i just looked back at what i wrote from previous sermons...

first day- God wants the house because our heart is in the house. and God wants our hearts... that's why God took the house away. God doesn't want a discounted heart. He wants our full heart. because you put your heart on something, you aren't giving the full priced heart. God wants our full heart. letting go of someone, house, financial issues, and etc. But it is normal to give Good our fullest cost offerings... "issue of obedience" something we want and hold on to so dearly can be the biggest blessing if you're willing to let go to God... It's about journey not the destination so much. God wants our hearts... i was not to sucess and comfort but obedience God. Jesus was obdeient to death. but is this kind of devotion from your heart? i will not give my life that costs nothing. what are the things in our life, heart that i'm physically holding on to that is a barrier to the full obedience to god? let god's joy be a reward. God is our provider. Trust god......