My Journey...

It's 1:53AM right now. Technically few hours after Easter Sunday.

Listening to some random songs that are soothing... I felt like i needed to write something down about my life, journey, and excitements for me to look back in the future. I wonder since when Easter really became a personal and meaningful holiday/celebration day for me. I believe it's since 2009 Easter. Gotta admit i really had a hard year in 2008. One word that can describe my year of 2008 would be "Heart-Broken". 2008... The hardest, most hurtful, painful, disappointing, devastating year of my life. To be honest, i feel like the scar of being heart broken by someone i love so much will always possess a big part of my heart. But throughout 2008's painful year, one thing i learned was that God desires a loving relationship with me. and that He wants me and loves me despite of all the negative things i've done in mylife and that he DOES NOT WANT ME TO GET HURT.

How ironic is that. Only way for me to realize that kind of crazy love was through physically, mentally, emotionally experiencing the pain and the hurt from someone i love. (LOVE. even though i've gotten hurt from it, i'm proud and happy to call it a LOVE. ) God was telling me to "let go"... just simply let go of things and "Turn to me". "Don't you see that I AM experiencing that exact same hurtful, painful rejection you're experiencing right now from THAT person? i UNDERSTAND you amy... Will you turn to me so you will STOP GETTING HURT??"

What an overwhelming sense of truth. God spoke to me too clearly that i was excited yet terrified to hear his voice. What was my response to this unrejectable love and calling from God? YES. i've tried to ignore this and tried to run away from the truth... I've failed so many times. too many for me to even start to count. what a failure am i? wouldn't God be thinking.. "HOW DARE is she to IGNORE and reject my love?" i was scared of my ugly self. How i always tell myself and to God that can you please give me once more chance? i'll make it right to you. please give me one more chance. and he answers my numerous prayers...

I am a FAILURE. I am BROKEN. I am scared. My heart has been harden....
I've tried so long to restore this broken relationship with God for... what... it's already been ONE YEAR. I still feel like i haven't improved at all. But once again, i was able to hear and recognize God's clear and loud voice telling me that "i STILL love you Amy. I died for your sins. I've sent my only son to save you. to take away all your sinfulness and make you WHITE as SNOW. Can you feel and understand my love for you Amy?" W.O.W.

powerful words. i can't fathom upon this crazy love.

2010, Good Friday.
A stressful, hungry, hurtful, disappointing, and regretful day of my life...... until the Good Friday service. Frustrations toward my dad and my mom. hatred towards myself for not being able to make peace. disappointment and hurtful words from umma. Disappointing news from the "non profit organization of law related stuff", depressed atmosphere my house. Unstoppable struggle of fighting myself for patience... prayerful heart, shattered heart and feelings, liters of tears. Questionable day, complete failure of the day. How can this day get any better?? i thought.

At the service, every one of these little puzzle pieces all fit together magically.... When Jesus was being crucified on this Good Friday, He must've went through unspeakable pains, hurts, disappointments, and prayers. All the hittings, spittings, cursing, rejection, and hatred from the very people he's dying for... and that he loves so much that he's even laying down his life for them. I wondered and thought to myself, Jesus really must have went through a emotional rollercoaster ride while taking my cross up to that hill to sacrifice himself. He could have simply denied to do this, BUT, he WILLINGLY & LOVINGLY carried away all my sins... He did not fail... i remained faithful to God and stayed strong through God. he DID NOT FAIL.

When i was listening to this sermon and short video clips and verses from the Bible, i came to realize and appreciate this LOVE OF GOD so much. Throughout my day, i've experienced failure, painfully hurting conversations, and challenging and mind-shaking things. (these things can't really be compared or measured upto what Jesus had to go through... but still...) i was able to experience and feel and understand Jesus' heart and intention little more clearly.

Thank you Lord... my savior for dying for ME. ugly and unworthy person. so i can be clean a SNOW... i was able to understand very very little bit of how hard it must have been for you when this task/mission was placed upon your shoulder... THANK YOU for this wonderful realization i had this year.

YOU ARE GREAT GOD. I PRAISE YOU AND THANK YOU.

HE IS RISEN. HE IS RISEN INDEED!!!!!!! AMEN.